Lucas's 9: Hot Takes about my Father

Lucas’s 9:

It’s time for a hostile takeover. My dad hasn’t written anything in almost a month, and when he sits at the computer, all he does is whine and complain about how he’s lost all of his creative juices, and he can’t come up with any new and sparkling ideas to add to the Nine blog. I have some news for him; it’s called Nate’s 9 reasons why Lucas is the best one of your 3 sons. He could have it done in 20 minutes if he really put his mind to it. Instead, I will just share with all of you how loony my father really is, and the reasons the Confer family can still look beyond that and love him anyway. Heck, maybe I’ll just take over his blog for good.

#9 – He thinks he’s a good soccer coach... but he’s not. It’s easy when your children are some of the best players in the area, and all you have to do is send them out there to put some balls in the net. I could probably do it with my eyes closed. What’s that? We’re down 2 goals? Lucas, Logan, get in the game. Four minutes later, we have a 3 goal lead. If he was a good coach, we’d be up 4.

#8 – He’s too nice to Aiden. For goodness sakes, dad, just beat him at board games!.. What, are you afraid of him? He’s 5 years old remember. You’re not going to break Aiden’s heart by having him lose once in a while. Heck, maybe he’ll be a lot nicer to Logan and me, if he only lost that sense of entitlement. You should try it.

#7 – He Turns on Omi Zoomi, just so he can get 20 more minutes of sleep... You’re not fooling anyone dad, it’s an educational show all right, but it’s not like we’re watching Sesame Street or anything. I mean I guess all 3 of us are probably better at numbers than we are at letters, and Aiden can already do simple math problems, but to think that you can attribute that to us watching a Nickelodeon cartoon is just crazy. And I know that you’re shutting your eye balls the minute we all turn towards the television. You’re not very sneaky.

#6 – He likes dropping us off at preschool... I see the glint in his eye when he gives us our hugs goodbye before he heads out for the morning. I’m guessing once he’s out of sight that he’s in a full on sprint towards the truck just so he can get away. He plays it like he loves us so, and can’t bear to spend time away from us, but I know better. He doesn’t have me fooled for an instant.

#5 – When he doesn’t want to cook, we just get $5 pizza everytime... I can even share the routine with you. After he picks us up at preschool (and yes, he doesn’t look happy to be there) he asks us want we want for lunch. Is it a coincidence that he always offers the option of pizza when we’ve had it like 3 days before? I think not.

#4 – The Como Zoo is an out... It’s impossible that a grown up ‘enjoys’ the zoo as much as my father. I bet we went there about a half dozen times this summer, and don’t tell me it’s because they are bringing in new and interesting animals. It’s the same ol’ 120 year turtle and the lion that doesn’t do anything other than poop and the giraffes that just nibble on trees. He just loves it because it’s an easy sell for other parents, and then he doesn’t have to watch all three of us boys by himself during the summer. I see you dad. I’m not mad though, because the rides are fun.

#3 – Just because he loves soccer, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t teach us to play other sports... Literally, we have like 15 soccer balls, 1 basketball and 1 football. Until our birthday, I don’t think there was a baseball to be found. I can’t even imagine what a hockey puck looks like, because I’ve never seen one up close before. But you know for sure that when one of our soccer balls is ruined for good, that he piles us into the Yukon, and we’re picking out new ones before the sun goes down. Good thing we don’t have any variety in our life, eh pop?

#2 – He’s obnoxious with his affection towards Green Bay and Manchester United... I like sports teams too, but I don’t let my weekend get affected by the wins and losses of a certain team. He goes off the walls the minute his beloved Manchester United loses to the Arsenal 3-0. Packers lose to the Seahawks and he pouts for over a week, even though he should be happy that they made it that far, considering that Dez Bryant did catch that ball (Go Cowboys!). Speaking of, while I do love the Cowboys and I recognize any star anywhere as a symbol of Cowboy greatness, I do not let it affect my mood for weeks at a time. And I certainly don’t buy t-shirts when my team wins a championship. What did I do anyway?

#1 – Your affection for baby girls is just obvious and disgusting... It’s not going to happen, so get over it dad. You had the surgery. You’re not going to get it reversed. It’s me and Aiden and Logan, and you just need to deal. Maybe give us a hug once in a while, and talk about how lovely our weddings are going to be. Your obsession with a baby girl is sickening and unwanted here. Especially considering you made the decision to give yourself NO chance on having one. Cry me a river.

And stop crying about not being able to come up with blog ideas. I did this in 14 seconds. And it could've easily been Lucas's 27.